Within The Swirl
by yue kato
Summary: Seishirou/Subaru. The final fight between the pair, written years before the actual events were released in the manga.


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Within The Swirl

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yue kato

1997

I walk slowly, haltingly towards the body lying in the centre of the small crater it had made as it smashed into the concrete. It is his, of course, and it has to be dead. I had thrown all my power, my skill and training I had painstakingly acquired - at the expense of virtually all else - into that final blow. It had hit him only a fraction of a second before he would have launched his fatal attack against me. Why he hesitated during that final moment I do not know, maybe the gods finally took pity on me, and decided to grant me this last, only wish of mine. 

Or at least, it used to be a wish of mine, the only thing I lived for. That is, until now that he is gone, and I find that revenge actually has no meaning at all. I once heard someone say that to completely get over a person, one needs "closure" - something that can make one say, "I'm over you". I thought that killing him, obtaining revenge for all the things he had done to me would be my closure. I know better now. There will be no "closure" for me. There will never be any "closure".

I suddenly discover that my future is a blank. I have no idea what to do. I never really thought about it during this quest of mine. The lust for revenge tends to push all other seemingly inconsequential things, like one's future, out of one's mind. It is only when the fires of hatred die down , leaving only the cold bitter taste of the dead ashes in one's mouth, that all other things become crystal clear. 

"A future..." I seem to recall that I once wanted to be a zoo-keeper. But that is a lifetime ago. A life I can never return to. 

I start to laugh softly. There is no triumphant ring in the laugh, no joy or relief. Merely bitterness, despair and perhaps just a tinge of insanity running through it. What point is there in a future if he is not in it? He has been my past, my present. Without him, there is no future. 

I stop next to where he lies and let my kekkai fall. Rain from the storm that had begun pouring ever since he fell now hits my face. I ignore the streaming rivulets as I kneel beside him and reach out to gently brush his cheek. He looks so peaceful and tranquil in death, a striking contrast to the roiling emotions within me. But then, he has always been my opposite. I let my hand fall as I sink heavily to the ground, oblivious to the rain falling with ever greater frequency. 

Distantly, I wonder what has happened to the others. Are they dead, alive? Are they relieved or happy over their victories? Or maybe they are like me, unable to feel anything other than this echoing emptiness. Then I realise that I do not care.

I gradually become aware of sakura petals floating down together with the raindrops, yet at a slower and infinitely more graceful spiral than the pellets of water. How is that possible, with the rain coming down as hard as it is? I shrug. It is probably a carry over from when he was alive. The final tribute the sakura pays to its once-master. The petals gently settle on his body, on me, on the ground around us. And from above, the stream continues to fall, never-ending. 

The ever-descending petals create a strange, ethereal atmosphere that is very calming. I sit there, next to him, in the centre of the storm within the storm, still as a statue, while thoughts race through my head at the speed of light. 

What has my life amounted to these past five years? Nothing but a blind, mad quest for an empty vengeance that does not fulfil anything. I suddenly feel ashamed. Hokuto died, sacrificed herself to get me out of the black hole that he had held me in. Instead of appreciating what she had done, I proceed to dig that hole ever much deeper. All the while sinking in further and further, until I have no longer any chance of getting out. Even if my sister could miraculously appear again, alive, it would do no good. "I'm sorry, nee-san. You died for nothing. I had as much a hand in killing you as he ever did."

Probably for the first time in my life, I take a careful inventory of my feelings. I sort through everything in my heart, leaving no stone unturned to haunt me later. Hokuto used to tell me to do that, but I had been unable to do so then. It was most likely my undoing, this flaw. I am a strong empath, then and now, and one of the most powerful onmyouji in Japan, maybe the world, for how many places are there where onmyouji proliferate? Hokuto was not as sensitive as me, and yet she had felt the darkness and menace surrounding him, while I was totally oblivious, too occupied with falling in love with an unfeeling creature who sees human beings as nothing but objects.

But despite all that he has put me through, I find that I have not yet fallen out of love. I love him as much as I have before, if not more. This love has only been buried deep under the layers of anger, pain and grief at his betrayal and hatred at myself for being so blind, so unseeing - and having my sister pay for the greatest mistake of my life. 

I seem to hear a quiet weeping and look around, wondering who it is. Actually, it is more a sensing of the outpouring of grief than hearing it. Then, I realise it is the sakura. The flowers are weeping, for their dead guardian, for all their dead guardians in the centuries past. Their sorrow gradually seeps into the empty hollow of my heart, and I begin to feel the heartbreaking anguish at my loss. Wet warmth joins the icy cold rain streaming down my cheeks and I sob as I have not done so ever since he lost his eye for me... since Hokuto's death. I cry because I will no longer be able to see him smile at me again, be it in gentleness or in mockery, because of this stupid destiny fate has bound us to. I cry for the victory that is also my defeat. 

There is one other thing that I finally discover: I am selfish after all. All the reasons, that he was a Dragon of Earth, that he had and would carry on killing countless lives, that it was revenge because he murdered my sister... They are just what their are, glorified excuses for me to kill him. So I can have him for myself. Totally. Not even the sakura can keep him.

"Let me be selfish just a little bit more," I think to no one in particular. I am so weary. It has been such a long, hard path that I have walked. I know it is forbidden in my clan, but I start the chant anyway, a smile on my lips. Bit by bit, I feel my life draining away, and then I pitch forwards, over his body...

* * *

The rain slows to a drizzle, then finally stops. As the sun emerges from behind the clouds, its rays fall across a small depression in the ground amid the buildings towering around it. A gentle breeze starts to blow, and suddenly the air is filled with sakura petals. They swirl and float in the air for a while before settling down again in the depression, concealing once more the two figures, entwined together, within it. 

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owari


End file.
